The Epic Parody Of Twilight
by Nicolette May Summers
Summary: You voted and it's here! The Epic Parody of Twilight! Prepare for laughs, vampire geeks, and the hottest vamp geek of all time-Edweird. Edweird and Fella sittin in a-Oh, forgot something. Fella. The clumsy idiot who owns an ice cream truck. E&F4eva. R&R.  Please read the Author's Note at the end first!
1. First Kite

**_Hello all! You asked for this, and now you've got it! BTW, the poll is STILL open, if you missed it! I have a poll on my page that asks what new fanfic should I write! This fanfic tied with 124th Hunger Games! Here's now the first chapter of my FIRST EVER PARODY!_**

**_Fella Goose: Bella Swan_**

**_Edweird Dullen: Edward Cullan_**

**_Alip Dullen: Alice Cullen_**

**_Casper 'the friendly ghost' Dullen: Jasper Cullen_**

**_Flemmett Dullen: Emmett Cullen_**

**_Posielee Dullen: Rosalie Cullen_**

**_Carsdial Dullen: Carlisle Cullen_**

**_Desmie Dullen: Esme Cullen_**

**_And the rest you will figure out! And ... it begins ... the oh-so-EPIC parody of twilight ... now ... no, wait ... now! ... it's not beginning! GRRR! NOW! ... Wait, I need to say now before it star-_**

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I never imagined dying ... it's totally retarded and overrated. I bet my cheese curds no one else wants to. Wait, no, not my cheese curds! I LOVE MY DANG CHEESE CURDS!

Anyways, I don't want to die. So I'm not gonna. I'm gonna stay alive, stay alive, ah, ah, ah, ah, stay ali-IVE, -ive, stay alive! Gotta love that song. Anyways, so I refuse to die. I am the friggin' almighty Fella Goose! Mwa-ha-ha! No one can kill me!

I walked across the street and accidentally tripped. I rolled over and saw a car's headlights coming straight at me. I screamed and didn't move. I never move. Usually I have hot vampire dudes to save me. They're so ... stalkerish!

Five seconds before the car hit me, it screeched to a stop. A totally freakishly hot computer nerd jumped out, picked me up and threw me aside, into a muddy ditch, all the time muttering, "Stupid killers. Puttin' a dead body in front of my sports car. Stupid idiots. Hmm ... this ditch seems suitable." It was kind of annoying. I was like, _'Dude, you're so retarded. Why the freaking heck are you talking to yourself, weirdo?'_

"Fella? Fella? Where're you Fella?" My father, Carly Goose called.

Isn't he weird? He's got a _girl_ name. And not just _any_girl name, that awesome girl from iCarly's name! I _died_ when I found out that that was his name! I was like _'Why didn't you name _me _that?' _Yeah ... I screamed a lot that night.

"I'm in this cozy ditch! It's uber comfy!" I screamed in delight.

He raised an eyebrow staring down at me, "Sure looks like it." He said sarcastically.

I nodded vigorously, "It is!"

He shook his head, "C'mon dirtball, I got you a car."

"Oh no." I groaned, "Is it that retarded police thingymabob that you got me last year?"

"No, no." He replied, "I use that now. I go driving around the neighborhood to arrest people. And then once I arrest them, I go on the highway, make sure I'm speeding, attach a big kite to them and fly it. The people in this state are so helpful. Anyways, no. Come look."

And so that is exactly what I did. I climbed out of the beautiful ditch and skipped towards my dad's garage ... which was really an oversized cardboard box for his jumbo burrito.

He pulled the curtain away, trying to be graceful. Yeah ... that didn't work out so much. It got caught on the other mirror jutting out of the car. He yanked and yanked and suddenly, it pulled free! You know, _with_my mirror, but still. I got to see my car! Eeek!

And when I did, I fell in love! "Oh my God, dad I love this car!" I squealed as I looked at it.

In all of its glory, it was an ice cream truck! So I could like, eat all the ice cream I want and no one would care! I could move into it! It's big enough! And then I could move on and go live my lifelong dream of being an ice cream salesgirl living in her ice cream truck and has all the flavors and has kids pay and eats their ice cream for them and runs over the other ice cream people's customers and-well ... let's just say I have a really long dream.

I hugged my car. "Thank you, thank you, thank you!"

He stared disgustedly at me and half smiled, "Uh ... sure." and then he rolled his eyes and got into his stupid fake police car.

As if! I snorted to myself, There was no way in H-E-double toothpicks that his car was better! It was a freaking _police_ car! How _childish._ And his dream of _being _a policeman. How even _more_ childish is that? Wow, right? Ha.

"Your first day of school is tomorrow, Fella." He yelled towards me as he pawed through the car's drawers. He finally pulled out a taser. He pressed the button and his hand shook vigorously. Then I saw a spark on the top. He smiled and evilly cackled.

I rolled my eyes and went back to imagining how to drive in to make my car awesome tomorrow. I know, he's _so_ childish, right?

"Oh, and in the trunk, I put my old kite. You know the one. The one I used people to fly it with? Yeah. That one."

I squealed and pulled out the kite! I could now have my very own kite and jack people off the street to fly it! Eeep!

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**And that's all I can fit in. Remember: this is a parody. It is supposed to be OOC and all that. Okey-doke! 'Night! Review, please!**

**~Nikki**


	2. Goodbye: An Author's Note

**A/N: **_PLEASE READ ALL!_

Hey guys! So basically I'm done with this site :(

Being on it kinda saddened and broke me 'cuz of all the flamers. Anyway, though, I DID grow because of all you sweethearts out there!

If you'd like to check out my new profile on my new favorite writing site, here it is! I have 29 stories posted! The further you go back, the least professional, nice-looking and polished they'll be. HINT: The best ones are on the first page! :D

figment users / 41089  
(Erase the spaces! ;D)

There it is! Please, I'd love it if you all check me out. Thank you all for loving my work and helping me and all of that. I am now, if you'll read one of my stories on that site, a MUCH better author. I'm actually working on a book, "Aurinia", it's listed first, which I am going to publish after I finish, edit, polish it and reach 500 hearts. So, join the site and read, comment/review, react and heart! You don't have to, but I'd love you forever if you will.

AND, I'll give you a free virtual plate of cookies. Okay, well, if you're doing something for me, they're not TOTALLY free but...

Thank you all again. I love each of you, even if I don't totally know you.

So… goodbye if I don't see you on figment! I'll keep my account up on here and everything. I'll even check back in periodically to see if y'all still love me :D

Goodbye :D I'm so sad now… :'(

Goodbye for the third time.

Here are some parting words (lyrics, haha):

_I'm makin' my way downtown, walkin' fast, faces past and I'm home now …_

_Do the pretty girl rock, SING IT WITH ME NOW! Don't hate us 'cuz we're beautiful…_

_I feel cold and lost in desperation. You build up hope but failure's all you'd know. Remember all the sadness and frustration, and __**let it go…**_

_You're gonna catch a cold, from the ice inside your soul… _(That one's for you, flamers of the world!)

_So tell me when you're gonna let me in. I'm getting tired and I need somewhere to begin. And if you have a minute, why don't we go talk about it somewhere only we know. This could be the end of everything, so why don't we go somewhere only we know? Somewhere __**only**__**we know…**_

_When you're gone, the pieces of my heart are missing too…_

_Now I'm feelin so fly like a G6!..._

_Why don't ya come on over Valerie?..._

_A drop in the ocean, a change in the weather. I was prayin' that you and me might end up together. It's like wishin for rain as I stand in the desert, but I'm holding you closer than most 'cuz you are __**my heaven…**_

_A falling star fell from your heart and landed in my eyes. How sweet the love as it tore through them and now it's left me blind. The stars, the moon, they have all been blown out; you've left me in the dark! No dawn, no day, I'm always in this twilight, in the shadow of your heart…_

_I'm gonna steal your heart away…_

_Ignorance is your new best friend…_

_It was only just a dream…_

_Raise your weapon and it's over. How does it feel now, to watch it burn, burn, burn?..._

_She lives in a fairytale, somewhere too far for us to find. Forgotten the taste and smell of the world that she's left behind. It's all about the exposure, the lens, I told her. The angles were all wrong, now she's ripping wings off of butterflies. Keep your feet on the ground while your head's in the clouds. Go get your shovel and we'll dig a deep hole to bury the castle, bury the castle…_

_Hey I just met you and this is crazy. But here's my number. So call me maybe!..._

_Everybody's waiting for you to break down. Everybody's watching to see the fallout. Even when you're sleeping, sleeping, keep your eyes open…_

_Don't you dare look out your window, darlin' everything's on fire…_

_**I'm glad you came, I'm glad you came…**_

~Nikki/Ash


End file.
